Thursday, September 13, 2012

Putting the pieces together

wow. I haven't written in AGES. I really ment to and wish I had more now. The last few months of my pregnancy have been nothing short of a roller coaster and yet, things have only gotten more complicated and emotional since the baby has gotten here! It is 3:30 am, hence why I have a moment to write. I should be sleeping and I am sure I will regret staying up later haha. I guess this post is more to get things off my chest than really give an update....but here goes.

First off in case you didnt know, the baby is a girl! We were super thrilled when we finally found out. We cheated and went to an ultrasound place @ 17 weeks. Thankfully the baby stayed a girl and she was right! We decided to name her Juliet at that particular appointment. I'm not sure why, but it is the name that popped in my head and it just stuck since.

Eventually all the first trimester nausea wore off and I started to feel better (and not fit into anything). I ended up gaining 52 pounds total with my pregnancy. WOW. Yeah working out was definitely not at the top of my list being pregnant in the summer. Remind me to never do that again! The swelling was so awful and even weeks after giving birth it took a long time to go back to normal.

For the most part my pregnancy was uneventful. A few issues arose when we got the quad screen blood test back and it raised some concern. My HGC hormone levels were off and the baby tested in the 1 out of a 100 range for Downs Syndrom- which is very uncommon for young moms. Typically a woman my age would test 1 out of 1000 chance. We decided against the amniocintsis- a very invasive test to confirm the diagnosis. I was not overly concerned after talking to a genetisist because our chances were 1%. We opted for the diagnostic ultrasounds instead. Each ultrasound we had came back worry free so we were fairly confident we were out of the woods.

On August 5th in the late afternoon I had some strong contractions for the first time .We headed to the hospital and they told me I was in the very early stages of labor and sent me home. The next morning around 8am they came back full force. Once I got Aaron and my best friend in the car and half way to Wilmington my contractions magically stopped. So we hung out at the beach and surf stores. During that time my contractions were fairly sporatic. They would have a pattern then quit. Some of them would stop me right in my tracks. Either way I believed it was most likely false labor. By late afternoon on the 5th when we finally headed home they picked up speed yet again. We decided to go fishing with out friends because we were still in denial about the baby coming. I was 39 weeks btw.

Well once we got to the fishing spot and settled down my contractions decided to be 5 minutes apart so we went to the hospital. There was no denying I was in labor during that very painful 45 minute drive. I was already at 5 centimeters when we got to the hospital. However even though I wanted an all natural birth I ended up with an emergency c-section- and it was not a pleasant birth experience whatesoever. But that is a story for another time and not really what I feel like writing about. Lets just say its not an overly happy story.

So when I finally woke up from my c-section and got to see Juliet for the first time it was also not the experience and elated joy I was expecting. You know how on TV when everyone is freaking out and crying and happy? It was not like that at all. I remember waking up and the nurses talking about my baby-clearly oblivious to the fact I was awake. Either way I knew something was wrong. Especially when Aaron brought her to me. He was clearly hiding something. I for some reason couldnt talk (my jaw was clentched so much during labor I think it got stuck for a while!) and I was too weak to actually hold Juliet. The most I could do was touch her with my finger and cry. I could not really see her well either but I could feel her soft cheek on mine. She was very pink and I remember her crying when they set her on me. However, they let her ride next to me on my way to recovery, but I really did not have even the energy to look at her.

The next morning was much better. I was more alert for the most part and anxious to see my baby. I finally got to get a good look at her that morning. I was much happier and calmer when Aaron brought her over and let me kiss her. I was able to stroke her hair. My joy was short lived when literally 5 minutes after they brought her to me they took her away for testing. All i was really aware of was the fact her heart rate dipped during birth- hence the c-section and it continued to do so afterwords. They told me they would bring her back in a few minutes but they never did. I remember trying to stay awake until they brought her back. I kept falling asleep in the middle of texting or talking then waking up every few minutes. It was really werid and I was very loopy. When I finally got to stand up later that evening I hemmoraged and have to have two blood transfusions. That whole night I totally have no idea what happened. Just like I couldnt get my head around how Juliet got here after I woke up from my c-section. It took me a while to understand that she was MY baby. I honestly felt like she was someone elses when they set her on me- it just didnt feel right or real.

I found out the next day Juliet was taken to the NICU. I still was not allowed to see her so Aaron spend most of his time sleeping in the NICU with her. He would text me pictures and updates. I couldnt wait to see her. When I finally was able to be wheeled to the NICU the pediatrician came in and gave me an update on her. I was very overwhelmed when I saw Juliet. She was hooked up to many machines and being fed via IV. She had a mask over her face and a special heat lamp. It was not how I wanted to see my baby looking. Her pediatrician explained to me that Juliet's heartrate was stable but would drop occasionally and that she was having issues with keeping her body temp stable. She also told me the more shocking news. She believed Juliet had Downs.

I am pretty sure my heart sunk all the way to my feet when I heard that. It just did not seem possible. Juliet and I had a 1% chance of having it. I shrugged it off and just told myself they were wrong. I could see nothing wrong with my perfect baby girl. I could not explain the feelings I had when they finally handed her to me. She was so perfect and sweet I never wanted to let her go. I felt so sick to my stomach that she had to be in the NICU and was so uncomfortable. I could not help but feel like it was my fault and I did something wrong to make her be sick.

When I was discharged a day later, I camped out with Aaron in the NICU. Thankfully Juliet continuted to get stronger and we got to take her home that saturday. It was so amazing finally getting to take her home away from all the drs and needles. Everything was going great until the day I got the call back from the hospital. They confirmed she had Downs Sydrome.

I tried to be strong when she told me the news, but I just kind of broke down. I had not prepared myself for this. I was in complete denial over the whole thing. When I grabbed Aaron to tell him I could barely get the words out. I felt like absolutely everything couldnt have gone more wrong. All I could do the rest of that day was hold Juliet and cry.

I love my baby girl. Without a doubt. I dont care what she has, I still love her the same. But my heart would break every time I would look at her for that week. All I could think about were the challenges ahead. It seemed like all the things the drs told me made me more and more fearful. And more drs and needles were not what I wanted for my baby girl that just got home. I just wanted to shelter her from everything and keep telling myself everything was just fine. Facing reality was really hard.

The days after I found myself on the internet searching every little thing about Downs trying to see it in her. I honestly couldnt see it at first, but then I did. And I hated myself for it. Here I was not wanting anyone to judge her and I was doing it. I felt horrible. I talked to family who assured me everything would be fine, but I could not believe them.

Why Juliet? I tried to do everything right. Why are we the 1%? I am clearly not cut out for this. Being a mom is hard enough, but being a parent to a special needs child? That is one task I could see certain parents doing, but not me. I just didnt feel strong enough. So between being sad and angry at myself I found myself being jealous- and im not going to lie I still am sometimes. I would look at my friends and families new babies and I would see how perfect their babies were. Why me? Why my baby girl?

I also felt my feelings were coming between me and and Juliet. I didnt seem to be her person. I felt like she bonded more with Aaron than me- after all he was the first to hold her. I fond myself really getting fustrated and depressed because I felt she did not want me. I thought since I was her mom that I would know how to keep her happy, and how to stop her crying. But I seemed to be the last person she wanted.

I also had a horrible feeling of guilt. Sometimes my mind runs away with the what if's. What if I made her this way? And I still sometimes find myself wondering how things would be different if Juliet did not have Downs. I know this is horrible to say but felt like I was mouring the loss of a person, not welcoming a new life. I felt like I was burying that little girl who was gonna be my champion horseback rider, the homecoming queen, etc etc. I hated myself for even thinking this way.

I was not really up for telling anyone the news till I could accept it myself. And here I am 5 weeks later and I am finally just coming to terms with it all. I take care of Juliet just like any other baby. She cries, sleeps, and poo's just like any other baby. And frankly I think she is the cutest thing on the planet. Instead of thinking about the things she wont be able to do I focus on the things she CAN. My baby girl can already roll, giggle, and kick like a champ. Frankly she is my champion. Her small daily accomplishments to me are like her being the homecoming queen and the champion rider I wanted her to be. Hell I dont care if she ever gets past leadline, just seeing her on a pony one day I cant wait! She is absolutely amazing and perfect. And I thank God every day for giving her to me. She is really a gift. She has turned that person who hates getting up before 9 into a morning person who gets up at 4 without a problem! She is the one person I dont mind sharing my bed with any time! My favorite time of day is when she just is waking up in the morning and always want to be the first person she sees.

My fear about her bonding with me is totally gone. I found when I finally learned to accept that she has Downs that I was finally able to connect with her. I dont think of her as a Downs baby, I think of her as just MY baby. And we are both taking steps together. Some days it is forward, and some it is backwards. I still get angry and sad and sometimes we both have to cry it out together lol! But I am learning to be stronger for her. I know God gave her to me for a reason. I am her mother and I am so blessed to have this opportunity. Having faith isnt something ive ever believed in. I never have been one to trust anyone but myself. But I feel Juliet is helping me heal myself and my relationship with God. She teaches me to trust Him that it will all be okay. I do not know what I ever did without her! And my feelings of sadness and mourning over that lost "baby" fade more each day. I never lost anything- I only gained much much more. I have a baby girl that will always be happy and what mom can ask for more?!

So I guess this blog is going to take a different turn. I am not sure at all what the future holds, but I am going to take it take it day by day. If God thinks I can handle this then I can. Even though some days I dont want to believe it and I want to dig myself in a pity hole. Yes a pity hole. Thats currently where I am atm. I am not going to lie here and pretend like everything is perfect. Nothing ever is even if Juliet didnt have downs I would still be probably were I am right now stressing about her future. And it may take Juliet longer to do things, but that is okay because there is no rush! I am perfectly fine with taking things slowly. If she gets to be little a bit longer I can only think of myself as lucky. She is already growing way too fast for me!

I know this post is very very long and I am probably tiring your eyes out reading all of this. My brain is going literally a million miles an hr and I could really use a shut off botton. I am going to make promise to always be honest here. I used to be afraid to voice my true feelings, but here they all are. If you want to judge me and believe I am a bad mom for thinking these things, that is okay. I wont think of anyone any less of it. All I can do is try, and I am trying to be the best mom I can be. And I hope this will help not only me, but maybe the other moms that read this who have had to deal with struggles with their babies too. That is partly why I am writing this. Because somewhere out there, there is another mom up at 4:30 am dealing with the same feelings I am. And yes I never knew I could feel so many things at one time. It is possible to be happy, depressed, and jealous at the same time. Or maybe I am just crazy!! I am what I am. And one thing I know is for sure I will never be as perfect as little Juliet. She is the best part of me <3

Friday, February 24, 2012


Hey guys! I have NOT been intentionally ignoring you I just havent had internet! Anddd this is gonna b an uber long update so I suggest you get comfortable lol.
As of today I am 16 weeks pregnant!! The last few weeks havent been bad at all, I am enjoying my second trimester. I still dont have much energy, but in general I dont get sick anymore. I do have annoying knee swelling and back pain, but that is normal. I havent been to a dr in a while so I need to get onto that...

I finally moved to NC with Aaron! At first it was pretty rough because we were living with his friends. It was pretty crowded and awkward. Plus we got locked out numerous times and it was just stressful. It felt like an eternity staying there. Trying to find a home was also a giant mess. We couldnt seem to afford the downpayment on anything or meet the requirments to get a home. It was really depressing.

Finally, we found a home that we could afford! It was a little farther from base then we wanted and needs some fixing but in general we love it. It is so nice to be in our own house!!! We were sleeping on an air mattress which was not good for me being pregnant so we bought a sofa. We are still trying to save up for a bed and to have enough money for a trip to VA to get all my living off not much right now because I assumed I would have gotten my stuff a few weeks ago.

All in all everything is coming together slowly. There are still every day stressors that I didnt know we would have lol. Dealing with companies and budgeting and food!!! Hopefully we will get everything together before the baby gets here. Only 24 more weeks :)

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Big Changes!

I am so happy I am finally feeling good! The past three days I have gotten my energy back and havent been sick at all!!! Yay for 11 weeks!!! I was honestly kind of worried as to why I feel so good lol. So, latest news is Aaron and I got our first family member, Titan. We adopted him from the ASPCA. He is a few week old german shepard. Hes been keeping me company. The other news is I have decided to move down to NC with Aaron in a few weeks!!! So ive been busy packing and finishing up this semester. Aaron is still getting everything sorted out down there, but we are excited. Not sure what the future holds, but its a pretty big step!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

First heartbeat!

Today was so awesome! I finally got to hear Aaron and I's baby's heartbeat!! The nurse said that usually this early you cant hear it, but as soon as she put the doppler on my belly we heart it loud and clear! It was so cool! Im so glad baby has a strong heartbeat! We are off to a good start! I just wish Aaron could have been there too.

So everyone is saying the baby is going to be a girl. Well according to the Chinese chart it is a girl. Also the heartrate was 170 which also means girl. Heartrates 140 and lower are supposedly boys. Sorry Aaron your just gonna have to wait for your boy!! Haha :) I on the other hand am uber excited about "Sophia"!

Friday, January 6, 2012

I wanna be like Jessica Alba

So I guess this is totally un-baby related, but I was thinking about the family cruise we hope to do after the baby is born. And I was looking of course at the new Victoria Secret bathing suit line which I usually order from every year. I was pretty depressed cause I am not looking forward to having all that  baby weight. I was researching post pregnancy  things and I came across these pictures of Jessica Alba. 1) I had no idea she had two kids and 2) I didnt know she was thirty! Any ways I was really impressed at how good she looked four months after having her last baby and so now I dont feel so scared. Im very inspired!! I will look GOOD on the cruise like I never had a baby. LOL
So, other than that I have been feeling pretty good today. Tried to clean up a bit cause Aaron and Buzz are staying the weekend with me. Aaron, I love you but you are a pig. So messy!!! UGH. But anyways, hopefully it will be a fun weekend despite having class. Class ruins everything :(

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Jumped the Gun :(

So I lied. Morning sickness is definately NOT gone. UGH. Its been a horrible day. I dont know how im going to survive class tonight. But on a positive note, today is officially nine weeks. Ive been following other pregnancy blogs on Utube and a lot of the girls seem like they are already showing, but im not. I wonder if im gonna be one of the lucky few who dont show till the third trimester lol. I havent even gained any weight!
Hmm what else is new....oh Aaron may get special leave to come to my drs appointment on Thursday! This makes me uber happy, I dont want him to miss the heartbeat!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

9 weeks from

Your Baby
Big news! You may be able to hear the heartbeat this week with the help of a Doppler, an ultrasound device that captures the chug-a-chug sound of baby's heart. The first time you hear baby's heart, your own heart may skip a beat—it's the first real evidence that there's someone growing inside you! If you can't hear the heartbeat, no worries, your doc will just check again in a few weeks. Other amazing developments this week:

Baby is beginning to move, but you won't be able to feel anything for some time.

Baby is growing nipples and hair follicles (although there's still a chance you'll be giving birth to a baldy!) His pancreas, gallbladder, bile ducts and anus are all in place, ready to poop and pee a dozen times a day when he's born. Your baby's head is half the size of his body and his little chin is tucked into his chest. His tiny tail is beginning to shrink away, giving Junior a more human and less amphibious look.

Until now, all pre-babies look the same "down there." This week, however, your baby will begin to develop either male or female genitalia. In layman terms, your baby is beginning to develop her hoo-ha or his wee-wee. While you won't be able to find out the gender of your baby for several more weeks, the version you'll give birth to is being developed right now.

At this stage, your developing fetus is 1-inch in length, about the size of a martini olive (you remember martinis, don't you?) and weighs a mere 2 grams—a little less than a penny.